Love and Its Expressions
by Miranda River
Summary: Post-movie. Uhura and Spock come to terms with their feelings for one another.


He was going to be alright.

She kept telling herself this, a mantra of sorts that he's going to be fine, that he's going to live so she can tell him not to do anything stupid like that again.

She's in his quarters. She knows that if he knew this, he would probably tell her something about colleagues fraternizing and she would nod, seeing the impenetrable logic and agree with him.

His quarters are an extension of him already. Everything is in its place, nothing carelessly tossed nor carelessly placed. There's something so...Zen about it. So...logical. Uhura smiles. It's Spock.

She walks over to the bed, suddenly dizzy. She sits on it, hating to mess it up but needing to sit before she crumbles to the ground in helpless heap. It smells like him, a mix of sandalwood and soap and something that's just indescribably him.

She starts to cry. She can't help it. She knows that she shouldn't, but she suddenly can't stop the tightness of her throat, the tears that she was able to control so well earlier, the feeling that she should have stopped him, should have told him not to go instead of sending him on a suicide mission.

She loves him. Of this, she's known for a while. Hell, she's known since the first day she made him smile, or the closest a Vulcan comes to smiling. And while she knows that he feels the same, in his own way, she would still give anything to hear those words, in any language, in any dialect, as long as they were spoken by him.

Uhura knows enough about the Vulcan culture to know that she can't force these things. She can't _make_ him say the words and hopefully someday he will tell her.

She's suddenly furious at Kirk. Why the hell did he let Spock go? Why didn't he offer to go by himself? Sure, Spock gave a logical argument, but he was a _Vulcan_ for crying out loud. He damn well better!

She's sobbing. She's gotten tear stains all over his neat, wrinkle-free pillow.

Good.

She feels some satisfaction in knowing that she's left her mark here. She was a part of him, his life, even if no one knew it. It made sense at the time, she was a cadet, he was a commander and now...now she's not sure what will happen. They hadn't thought about it. Right now they just have to get out of this alive.

She takes a deep breath. They should be coming back soon. She needs to make herself presentable. She needs...

_I need everyone to continue to perform admirably._

His words, practically torn from him, come back to haunt her. She looks in the mirror, wipes her eyes and puts on a brave face.

"Lt. Uhura?" Chevok's hesitant voice comes from the intercom.

She jumps. She didn't think anyone knew where she was.

"Yes, Chevok?"

"Commander Spock and Captain Kirk are back from their mission. I thought you would like to know."

"Thank you."

She smooths her hair.

_I need everyone to continue to perform admirably._

It takes every ounce of restraint she has not to throw her hands around him and/or kill him for scaring her like that.

They make it out of the pull of the black hole, entering warp speed with only a little bit of difficulty.

They're on their way home.

Uhura's shift ends a few hours into their journey back to earth. She offered to keep working, to make sure that the Romulans hadn't gotten word of their altercation with one of their own, given her expertise in the Romulan dialects.

"Uhura! We've been up for, like, what? The past fort-eight hours? Get some sleep, would you?"

Her lips twitch. "Is that an order, Captain?"

Kirk considers it. "Yeah, I guess it is. While you're at it, find that pointy-eared boyfriend of yours. Tell him he's relived too. 'Sides, he has something to tell you," Kirk's eyes glittered impishly.

"Okay, Kirk, what do you know that I don't?"

"Oh, nothing. Spock just has something to tell you," he tries to go for innocence and fails miserably.

Uhura rolls her eyes, prepared to just completely disregard Kirk and whatever stupid prank he has in his head. Right now she just wants to sleep, and sleep for a good long while.

Suddenly the seriousness leaves Kirk's face. "Seriously, Uhura. You and Spock need to talk. It's...it's important, okay?"

There's something in his face that makes her take him seriously, something that she's not used to in Kirk. But she finds herself walking the Enterprise, looking for Spock.

She finds him reading a report, on his way back to the bridge. "Lieutenant," he greets her.

"Commander," she murmurs. "The Captain said you had something you wish to say to me?"

A look of confusion flits across Spock's face before disappearing into impassivity.

"I am...not sure what you are talking about, Lieutenant Uhura."

"The Captain said that you were relieved of your duties for the night and that you had something you wish to say to me."

"I appreciate you relaying the message that I am free of my duties for the night, but I assure you, there is nothing pressing I need to say to you."

For once, Uhura finds his syntax and diction unbearably frustrating. She's had enough and wants, desperately, to know what it is that he would say if it wasn't for his damned Vulcaness.

She grabs him by the arm, marching to his quarters, muttering in a mix of languages along the way. Spock makes out some phrases and deduces that she is angered at him, given her use of "annoying man", "idiot creature", and perhaps his favorite, "a complete and utter mystery".

She finally lets go of him in his quarters, once the door is locked, and pushes him.

"Damn it," she cries. "You could have died!"

"While the likelihood of my demise was certainly great, it is rather illogical to bring up a hypothetical situation that has no chance of occurring. If this is your sole reasoning for bringing me to my quarters, Nyota, perhaps you should go to the sickbay."

She laughs. For some reason, it strikes her as unbelievably funny that Spock thinks she's crazy. He was the one who could have died, the one who had a very good chance of not making it back, who lost his mother, his whole entire planet and yet is able to remain logical. Meanwhile, the thought of losing him makes her want to vomit.

"I love you."

She never meant to say that. For a brief, agonizing second, she thinks it was the wrong thing to say. What if he can't hear this right now, that there has been too much for him to process and this, her declaration, is too much?

He looks scared, she thinks to herself. His eyes, possibly the most expressive thing about him, look terrified.

"I..."

"I'm sorry, Spock. I shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry."

She turns to leave and all she really wants to do is just be alone, when there is suddenly something, someone in her way.

"Really, Spock, I'm not in the mood to hear how illogical my feelings are."

He crushes his lips to hers and she forgets how to think, how to breathe, all she can do is feel-the profound realization that he is alive, that he is here, with her, and kissing her.

He breaks the kiss, brushing softer ones all over her face.

"Had you not interrupted me, Nyota, you would have heard that I don't think I have the words to tell you how I feel," he tells her in Vulcan.

He rests his forehead on hers. "I'm sorry. I know that words are important."

She kisses him just as fiercely as he to her earlier. "No, they're not."

He raises his hand to her face, "may I?"

She knows what he wants, what will happen, what it means. She nods her head.

He places his fingers on the left side of her face and closes his eyes.

Suddenly she feels as if she doesn't know where he ends and she begins. She feels how he felt the first day he saw her, the punch in the gut feeling of lust. She feels how nervous he was talking to her outside of class and she to him. Everything is exponentialized to the point of pain. She feels the emotions that roar through him when they work close together on a translation. She feels how much he loved, desired, wanted, needed her the first time they kissed. She sees his musings during class on being with her.

She feels the desperation he feels when she goes to him in the elevator naught but a day ago, how much he just wanted to be there with her, to get rid of the pain threatening to eat him alive. She feels the promise in his kiss before he leaves to destroy Nero. She hears him tell Kirk to tell her that he loves her before Kirk cuts him off, assuring him that everything would work out. She feels the soar of emotion he feels when he sees her again. She realizes how difficult it is for him, how deeply he feels, how desperately he wants a balance between being human and being Vulcan. He wants her and wants to be Vulcan, too and doesn't know how to reconcile the two sides of himself.

He takes his hand away. "I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to see that last part."

"No, I'm glad I did," she says breathlessly.

They stare at each other for a moment too long before she's back in his arms again, murmuring how sorry she is, how she should have understood, how much she loves him and how it's going to be okay, that they'll figure this out.

He murmurs her name over and over again, his own mantra, his own benediction.

They fall asleep in his bed, holding each other as if they let go, they would float away.

They wake up sometime in the middle of the night.

"Nyota?" he whispers, not wanting to wake her up if she's asleep.

"Yes?"

"I am...unsure of where my destiny is."

"What do you mean?"

"I have an obligation to help my people in anyway I can, yet I find myself wanting to stay in Starfleet."

She snuggles closer to him.

"My father...my father married my mother because it was logical. At least, that's what he told me when I was a boy. I'm not sure if I can make the same choice, Nyota."

Nyota holds her breath. "What are you saying, Spock?"

He takes a deep breath, collecting his thoughts. "When I marry, I am not sure if logic will be enough of a reason for me to choose a mate. It will be important, yes, but I am not sure if logic will be my sole reason."

"Vulcan, its people, it was never truly mine. I had a choice, to fight and try to be Vulcan, but I think I knew that I would never be truly Vulcan in the eyes of the people.

I should help them. I will help them, in anyway I can. But I don't think I can ever be a part of them, Nyota. How can I be a part of a culture that constantly rejected me?"

She kisses him. "The decision is yours to make, Spock. I love you, and will love you, no matter the choice you make."

He buries his face in the crook her neck. "Thank you, Nyota."

They arrive back to earth with great fanfare. During the next few days, Nyota isn't able to see Spock, instead applying for communications director on the Enterprise, attending funerals of the fallen, along with ceremonies for the survivors. She figures Spock will find her when he was ready to, when he had made his decision. She hopes, though it is certainly foolish, that he would choose to stay with Starfleet, to stay with her. To hell with Vulcan. She would never voice this out loud, of course, but she had trouble understanding Spock's obligation to a planet of snobs. He told her of the teasing he suffered as a child and the discrimination that led him to choose an education at the Starfleet Academy in the first place. _Screw them_, she thought. _Let them find someone else to help them_.

She was prepared to spend another night alone in her dorm, one of her last before her commission aboard the Enterprise, when her roommate, Gaila, practically trilled from the door, "Nyota, it's for you!"

"Who is it?" she calls back, changing out of her academy sweater.

"I was hoping to request your presence for dinner tonight, Lt. Uhura," Spock's unfailingly polite voice replies.

A shiver runs down her spine.

"Oh please, you don't have to call her Lt. Uhura when you're going on a date, uh, Commander," Gaila says.

"Gaila," Nyota hisses.

"What? It's true."

"Ignore my roommate. She's not right in the head."

Spock's lips twitch. "I don't believe you have given me an answer."

"Yes. May I have a few minutes to get ready?"

"Of course. I will wait outside."

Gaila closes the door behind him, squealing. "Ohmigod, Nyota! Why didn't you tell me? Of course, it all makes sense now, after all that time you spent together. Did you guys get together on the Enterprise? Ohmigod, that's so romantic! Here-borrow this dress. And wear your good underwear. I know you have some. And here, wear these heels. They shouldn't make you taller than him. Wear your hair down, would you?"

After getting through her green roommate's scrutiny, Nyota was finally proclaimed ready for her date.

"Have fun. Do everything I would do," Gaila giggles.

Spock raises his eyebrow. "What does your roommate mean by that?"

Nyota blushes. "She was being...well, she's from Orion," she gave as an explanation.

Spock, Nyota was pretty sure, is blushing.

They leave the academy, speaking about trivial matters, such as the newest issue of the xenolinguists journal.

"So where are we going?" Nyota asks.

"You'll see."

They drive along the coast and Nyota remembers what she loved most about Earth, the beauty of feeling the wind and hearing the ocean and looking up and seeing the stars while still feeling the sturdy ground below her.

They stop on a remote beach, where Spock brings out a picnic basket and blanket.

Nyota raises her eyebrow. "You've never done this before."

"James has informed me of various human courting rituals that I have not been aware of."

Nyota laughs. "You're getting relationship advice from Kirk?"

"He is a human male who seems to excel in the area of pleasing women. It was logical to ask him about human courtship."

"Okay, just, remember that his relationships never last longer than a week, okay?"

Spock frowns. "Are you not pleased by this picnic?"

"I am. It is very sweet, Spock."

Spock looks mollified. "I have never had strawberries before. My mother always wanted to grow them, but was never able to sustain them on Vulcan."

Nyota's face lights up. "You have strawberries? I love strawberries!"

Spock presents her with the picnic basket. "There are other things as well. I am told that it will be quite pleasing."

"I'm sure," Nyota tells him, eagerly looking for the strawberries. They are the chocolate covered kind, her favorite.

"Mmmm," she moans. "These are amazing."

"I am glad you enjoy them."

"Thank you, Spock."

She spreads out the blanket it and invites him to sit next to her, offering him a strawberry. He looks at it suspiciously.

"Just eat it, Spock."

He takes a bite. "It has an interesting flavor."

Nyota laughs. "Yes, it does."

"There is something I have to tell you, Nyota," Spock begins.

Oh no. This was where he was going to tell her that he was going to go to the Vulcan colony. She was prepared for this. She knew they weren't going to last forever, in fact, it was miracle they even began.

"Yes?"

"I have decided to stay with Starfleet. If James will allow me, I will submit my name for first officer."

"Oh," she says.

"Do yo think this is the wrong decision? I believe it to be the most logical one. I have done what I can for my people, but my foremost loyalties remain with Starfleet. I had expected you to be happy, Nyota. Are you not happy?"

She throws her arms around him and kisses him, hoping it would be enough of an answer.

The kiss soon becomes too consuming for either them, too much for just a kiss.

Spock is the one to break it. "My father-my father told me to chose what made me happy. That he married my mother because he loved her and wished for his son to do the same."

He kisses her again, quickly. "I love you. I love you, _ashal-veh_."

"I love you too," she whispers, kissing him back.

He lowers her onto the blanket, knowing that he shouldn't, that it was barbaric, but seeing her in that dress, hearing her speak Vulcan so emotionally, he felt the overwhelming need to have her, to possess her throughly.

She lets out a moan, squirming as he lowered the straps of her dress, kissing the beautiful skin laid bare before him. Gods, she is beautiful. He knows, with startling certainty that he was lacking before, that he is making the right choice.

Their lovemaking is explosive. Nyota is amazed by the feelings his touches provoke, her whole body on fire because of a single brush of his fingers. Spock is amazed by the emotions that she inspires within him, how deeply he feels because of her yet he is not scared of losing control. Instead, he welcomes it. He finds himself want to lose control, to lose himself, within her.

She screams his name right before he lets out a groan. He hadn't planned it to be like this, yet he can't find it within himself to be disappointed by the outcome.

He murmurs her name, over and over again as they lay there, watching the sun set.

"We should go," she finally murmurs.

"Yes," he agrees, though makes no move to get up.

"Of course, we still have all this food."

He feeds her strawberries in between kissing her and it's past twilight when she shakes the sand out of her dress.

He takes her back to her dorm, two minutes before curfew. They're reluctant to part, kissing as they say good night before Spock tears himself away.

"Good night, ashal-veh," he murmurs.

She ignores Gaila's laughter as she gets ready for bed.

---

He isn't on the Enterprise.

She shouldn't be worried. He'll be here. He told her that he wanted to be on the Enterprise, he wanted to be with her.

He'll be here.

She tells Captain Kirk (it's still really weird to call him that) that the dock control reports are ready.

Where the hell is he?

"Permission to come aboard, captain?"

She didn't know that Spock had a penchant for dramatic entrances.

"I can provide character references," he offers.

She smiles. She would be more than willing to provide one.

Kirk accepts his offer and Spock walks past her. She smiles at him, before returning back to her work.

They enter warp speed.

"So did you ever talk to that Vulcan boyfriend of yours, Uhura?" Kirk says between bites of an apple.

Nyota looks over at Spock, suppressing a grin.

"Yeah, captain. You could say that."

"Good. Just don't let me find you in a compromising position on the bridge and I have no problems with my first officer and communications officer fraternizing."

Nyota giggled.

"I think we have a deal, Captain," Spock said with a smile.


End file.
